Saturday, June 19, 2010

A Bit of Mourning

Tonight I can't sleep. It is warm and humid and Borrelia do not like heat. Our youngest has awakened several times, anxious and in pain. Though she's finally sleeping, I've given up for the moment and here you find me. At the computer at 4am. Perhaps I'll sleep better in a bit.

Each time I sit down to the computer, I face the evidence my life has changed. In high school, I was blessed with an English teacher who taught me to write well. With Lyme, what once took minutes can take hours. I read and reread because of multiple errors; errors I never made before.

My girls want to learn to play piano. Our teacher encourages parents to take lessons first so they can help their child during the week at home. This week I took my second piano lesson and teared up. I don't know how to explain it other than the piano acted as a magnifying glass to the weaknesses that have developed in my body. The muscles in my hands and arms were screaming their fatigue. I felt there was a wrestling match taking place between my brain and the rest of my body. The piano teacher was patient and kind as I tried to explain my emotions. I learned if I look at my hands as I play, my brain has an easier time communicating with the rest of my body. I sense piano could become a form of physical therapy in my healing. It also raises the question should I look at myself as I walk? I may try this in a safe place in our home as my legs occasionally have a mind of their own.

To face Lyme, it often takes superhuman strength, both physically and emotionally. Perhaps tonight I needed to mourn for a bit the person I used to be, as I feel the need for sleep returning. Sweet dreams and bless you for sharing this journey.


Marti said...

I too often mourn the person I used to be--an active runner, someone who had energy and could do what she wanted when she wanted. I barely know that person anymore. I have memories of her, but they are distant memories.

Your site is very theraputic for me. Keep it up. One life touched is enought!

If you would like to share my journey, email me your email address at

loshakova said...

I was so touched by your post. It's hard for me to decide sometimes which is harder, the physical symptoms of neuroborreliosis or the loss of the self I had before I got sick. Hugs to you and your daughter.

Kim said...

Thank you so much, M.B. and Ioshakova for your kind words! Your words ring so true! Sending hugs right back.

Alix said...

This is so emblematic for many of us Lyme patients. Thank you for sharing this experience with us - we can all relate on our own levels. It's so true that we don't know what pieces of us are missing until we discover (unhappily) that they've gone missing.