Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's Spring. Things are growing....including me

Cross-posted to gratitude365.

I'm so excited to use my new spring masthead. Today, I'm even more struck by the quote, "I am grateful for whatever helps my spirit to grow," than I was the day I decided to use it last fall. I wonder if my leaning towards reflections like this is what brings difficult things into my life or is it because there are difficult things in my life that it resonates with me.

Considering our current economic and health care crises, I feel a little awkward talking about my life being difficult. People are struggling everywhere. With job loss, sickness, not being able to afford healthcare, rent, food, or even safe and proper care for their children.

I only have one of those things to worry about. Living with Lyme and raising two small children is incredibly hard--the hardest thing I have ever, ever done. (And I'm particularly wiggy this week because a friend from college posted on FB that her cousin lost her 10-year battle with Lyme, leaving two teenage kids behind.)

But, even so, I have much, much to be grateful for. My insurance is covering my IV medications. Which is huge. HUGE. And as D reminded me last night in my moment of doubt, I AM getting better. He told me not to look day-to-day, but over the course of the last year and half. And there's been major progress: My psoriasis is gone, my panic attacks and rage have lessoned, my brain function is improving, and I've had a few days in which I got a feel for what it's like to be normal.

And while it is hard to tend to active boys and all running a household requires when you have a daily fight with constant pain and fatigue, I'm DOING IT. Sure my house isn't even 5% as clean or organized as I'd like it to be. And I'm not camp counselor Kim cracking out craft, cooking, and sensory projects like some stay-at-home-moms, but...I'm managing. They get fed, they get bathed, they get loved.

And while I wish I could do so much more, I'm working on not beating myself up, letting go of perfectionism, and trying to respect my limits. I have no choice, really. And as I've said before, I can't and won't say I'm grateful for Lyme, but the opportunities it's given my spirit to grow are paramount.


Alix said...

Kim, you put it so beautifully. This is really a trying disease. As the Dalai Lama said, "there is much suffering, but also, very much hope." I think we can take that to an individual level and realize we are gaining in ways we wouldn't, had it not been for Lyme.

Lyme is real said...

We were mirroring similar thoughts today. Each day I try to strike a balance in my life so that I can continue to heal and stay at home with my family, letting the blessings outweigh the negatives. One of which is this blog. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

The funny gifts Lyme brings us. Focusing on those good things is what gets me through, and all of you!

pink said...

OMG, that last paragraph really hit me, as I lie in bed with Mepron pain on Easter sunday while the kids and Husband attend church. If only my house weren't such a pit...but they are fed and bathed and loved, it's true. So, why do I feel so guilty and lame?!